Grief and Loss: It's more than bereavement

Can we grieve for more than a death? Absolutely, yes. Bereavement - the grief over the death of someone close to us - is the form of grief our society is most likely to accept and recognise, even if there may feel like a limit to the time 'allowed' for it. I like to think of grief as the feeling of the space left when an ending occurs; it's the full stop, without knowing what comes next. We can feel grief for most anything we lose, or that comes to an end.

A death is the most obvious time to feel grief, but we can feel just as deeply about the loss of a relationship (romantic or friendship), job/career, our health or physical ability. Even lost dreams, or life paths we longed for, that we now know won't, or can't, happen, we grieve for these too. Where there is loss, then grief on some level is registered.

One of my favourite psychotherapists and writers about grief, Frances Weller*, talks about the five gates of grief. These are:

1. Everything We Love, We Will Lose - we grieve for someone or something we love.

2. The Places That Have Not Known Love - what we perceive as defective about ourselves, we also experience as loss.

3. The Sorrows of the World - when we register the losses of the world, it's loss of access and connection to nature.

4. What We Expected and Did Not Receive - these is the pain from the separation from community, and all that this brings to us.

5. Ancestral Grief - the grief carried in our bodies from sorrows experienced by our ancestors. It

   is surrounded in silence.

   
   

I'm not sure about you, but when I read this list, it really hits home how much loss is a part of the human condition. The longer we are on this planet, the more we will experience loss and it's a universal experience. At first, this might seem depressing, but actually, what if it means that the experiencing of loss is what creates wisdom, depth of character, gratitude and emotional intimacy?

If we don't allow time to recognise what we have lost and the grief we feel about these losses, we are missing out on the opportunity to grow. We become stagnant, stuck, anxious or depressed. Unprocessed grief is at the heart of a lot of human suffering, and it's often the time when I meet clients in my practice room. It's a privilege and an honour to support people out of stagnation and back into growth.

Which of Weller's Five Gates do you recognise in yourself? Which do you have more curiosity about? Leave a comment below, I would love to know.

*The Wild Edge of Sorrow: Rituals of Renewal and the Sacred Work of Grief by Francis Weller (2015)